Prompt: “What’s something that bothers you or weighs on you? Let it go. Talk out the letting go process and how you’re going to be better to yourself for it.”

Something that often weighs on me is the uncertainty of the future with chronic illness. I have a fear of the unknown to begin with, but with RA, I know there will be surprises and I know there’s a good chance that some of those surprises will not be good. Sometimes I feel like it’s more a matter of “when” than “what” – when will my health take a turn for the worse? When will my medications stop being effective? When will I be truly forced to give things up because of my health? When will…


What I think this really comes down to is this inner need to be in control. I want to be in control of my life and my destiny. Intellectually, I know none of us are anyways, but my heart feels like RA has taken away some of my ability to plan for my future and to know with relative certainty what tomorrow will look like.


Perhaps, then, RA is a blessing. Perhaps it has forced me to let go of my hold on my life and learn to trust in God to provide what I need and get me through each day. It’s a lesson I first learned four and a half years ago after many exhausting months of trying to “control” my life and “fix” my health. Eventually, I hit rock bottom and recognized the futility of my efforts. When I stopped focusing my attention on myself, I felt joy and hope return to my life in new ways. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever go back to that place of unrest, but God is constantly there to remind me that He has control over my life and that I need to let Him work and follow His lead.


I don’t know where life will take me; but whatever may come, I choose to let go of my grip and to open my hands to receive whatever God may have to give me, trusting that it is good.



This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: http://bit.ly/vU0g9J