It’s hard to believe it has been a year since we started our journey into the world of foster care, and yet so much has happened since then. Getting licensed to become foster parents is quite the process in itself. After completing huge stacks of paperwork, background checks, home visits with interviews that lasted a few hours and 36 hours of training, we finally got our license last December. It has been a rollercoaster ever since. We have been providing short term care for kids in foster care — as respite for foster parents, substitute care if foster parents are going out of state or somewhere they can’t bring the kids, or on an emergency basis if our agency is a pinch to find a safe home for a kid. We’ve also had several scenarios that we thought could be permanent and yet were not, which has just been a huge emotional rollercoaster.
The first two kiddos that we had in our care gave us a run for our money. They were 2 and 4 which are tough ages to begin with, but with what they had been through it was intense!! Even though we talked about what to expect in our training classes it does nothing to truly prepare you for the reality of helping kids who have been through extensive trauma. Trauma has a dramatic impact on brain development often leaving kids basically living in survival mode, in that “fight, flight or freeze” mode. That last option, freeze, was one I did not know about until recently, but learned with these kids that that is often my natural response to perceived danger. As the kids’ reaction was fight, I was left paralyzed not sure how to help de-escalate and calm them down. Tom and I both felt very overwhelmed, with a super high level of anxiety and just a dread of what we had gotten ourselves into. We felt like we were walking on eggshells just trying to prevent the next explosion. At this point, I really began to question whether we were cut out for this.
Little did I know that our first experiences would serve as a sort of boot camp to prepare us for whatever lies ahead. I wanted so badly to be able to help these kiddos heal and didn’t like feeling anxious, paralyzed and stuck. So, I did what I do. I dove headfirst into learning everything I could about trauma-informed care, the effects of trauma on brain development and parenting kids from hard places. Many of the best resources I found were based on the principles of Trust Based Relational Intervention, or TBRI. TBRI is a neuroscience based method of helping kids from hard places by first building connection, trust and “felt safety.” There is a difference between being safe and feeling safe and we have to help kids feel safe before they can ever get out of that survival mode in their brain to a place where they can think and make good choices. I am continuing to learn all that I can and what I’ve internalized so far has helped a ton — first by helping me learn to calm down my own brain and emotions when kids fly off the rails, and then to have some tools In my belt to help kids feel understood and soothed so that we can either prevent the meltdowns to begin with or get through them more easily. I’ve also had to adjust some of my own expectations as to what these kids are capable of. Many kids with a history of trauma have a developmental age that’s only about half their chronological age. It’s difficult for the adult mind to understand that a kiddo who was so mature in one moment or one scenario can be stuck at a two year old’s developmental stage when it comes to managing emotions or impulsivity.
Our second experience being part-time parents with kiddos in foster care was a complete 180 from our first. Not that we didn’t have some challenges, but we felt calm internally. The challenges we had were all very manageable, few and far between, and didn’t leave us with feelings of extreme anxiety. And, we had fun!! It was a really interesting time as we had a 5 and 6 year old right as the pandemic began to spike and on the first day of school closures. This experience helped to give me confidence and assure me that we were on the right track and that we could do this...and that we were meant to do this.
Since the beginning of the year, we have had 11 kids in our home for short term care, typically a few days to a week at a time. Our kids’ ages have been 2, 2, 2, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 12, 14 and 16! It has been a lot of fun getting to know each one of these children, to learn to look beyond the challenging behaviors that they may have and to see the beautiful and precious child that God created. They have each taught me so much and expanded my heart in new ways. There are so many things I cannot share due to privacy concerns, but I’d like to reflect on some lessons that I’ve leaned from each one of our temporary kids.
1. 4 year old boy: you taught me the importance of humor in parenting and that anger is just a defense mechanism meant to protect the sweet and precious boy underneath that armor. You also taught me to focus on the little victories and just how much kids are listening to and learning from adults.
2. 2 year old boy: you taught me the joy of being a mom — of caring for the physical needs of a child and how rewarding a simple act like comforting a little boy can be.
3. 5 year old boy: you taught me that I need to pay attention to the needs of the well-behaved kids, because sometimes they are struggling too, but turn inward rather than acting out.
4. 6 year old girl: you taught me the delight of a daughter and how much fun spunk and sass can be, and yet how being vulnerable truly opens the way for connection. You also spurred me on to believe in myself.
5. 7 year old boy: you taught me how hard it is for a young child to process the trauma that they have been through, and how kids try so hard and do the best that they can, even if their best isn’t what adults expect out of them. You made me want to find a way to help kids who have been through the worst.
6. 12 year old girl: you taught me how important original families are, even if it wasn’t a good family situation, and that kids can be so so brave.
7. 2 year old girl: you taught me to relish the simple joys, to smile more and increase my happiness factor — and that joy is contagious!
8. 2 year old boy: you taught me the wonder of toddlerhood and the amazing brain of a 2 year old that is learning so much every day! You also taught me how to appreciate the curiosity of toddlers and to view the constant getting into things as important learning.
9. 5 year old boy: you taught me how far I had come in my own growth and ability to help kids, how to help kids with a “redo", as well as the importance of physical activity!
10. 16 year old boy: you taught me the fun and frustration of having a teenager, the intense feelings that come with uncertainty and lack of a permanent family, and how far a little love and care can go.
11. 14 year old girl: you taught me how kind and mature young teens can be, even when they often make bad choices, and how thoughtfully they can make hard decisions that no kid should ever have to make.
While we have only been part time parents here and there we have gotten some really great experience across a broad range of ages, personalities and intensities of behaviors. We have also seen how much these kids crave love and attention and affection — as well as the benefits of our own in-home therapy dog! The needs are great and the circumstances are tragic, but instead of dread, I now feel a sense of excitement when we get a call from our agency about taking a kid into our care — because I have confidence that even a short term dose of love and fun and care in our home can go a long way and because I’m excited to get to know another precious child and find out what they have to teach me.
Ultimately our hope has been to be able to adopt a child (or two) who need a permanent home. As a family without kids, and the desire to be parents, it seemed like a great way to step in to meet a need and also grow our own family. It’s a complicated process with so many mixed emotions as any adoption stems from a broken family, and most of these kiddos have some significant challenges as they heal from their past. Our experience so far in part-time parenting has been great preparation for the journey into permanent parenthood that we hope lies around the bend.
