I have a story to tell. It does not have a happy ending. But, perhaps, it has no ending at all. Perhaps we are still in the middle of the story, and this is just the hard part. This is the story of the past seven years, which I will share in segments over a series of posts. This is the third, and perhaps final section -- at least for now. I wrote this section the day after our six week ultrasound. Click here to read part one and part two of our story.

I have a story to tell. It does not have a happy ending. But, perhaps, it has no ending at all. Perhaps we are still in the middle of the story, and this is just the hard part. This is the story of the past seven years, which I will share in segments over a series of posts.  This is the second post in the series, which I wrote a few weeks after we had completed the IVF procedures. Click here to read part one of our story.

I have a story to tell. It does not have a happy ending. But, perhaps, it has no ending at all. Perhaps we are still in the middle of the story, and this is just the hard part. This is the story of the past seven years, which I will share in segments over a series of posts. This first post was an essay I submitted to The Fertility Center as a part of their "Fertility Diaries" contest. Though I did not win anything from it, it gave me the opportunity to write down my experience and it was therapeutic to recount our history. And now, I share it with you.

This is a verse that I've been pondering on for some time now, as I think it gets at the heart of a skill I've been trying to obtain: the art of asking good questions. If you'll recall from my 30 Life Lessons, I recognize the need for this skill; however, I often have difficulty actually doing it. I have a few friends who are very good at this. It makes them excellent conversationalists and I'm trying my best to learn from them!

Knowing how to ask the right questions is something that does not come naturally to me, but I think this proverb highlights one of the reasons that it is so important. People are complicated. Many are closed off and guarded for any number of reasons. Others are simply introverted (we have two of those in our two-person household!) and need some prompting to share from their thoughts or experiences. Whatever it is that is stirring inside a person's heart -- that which is deep and at their core -- often needs to be drawn out, as a bucket is drawn from a deep well. And when we take the time to draw those things out of a person, it often benefits both parties.


As usual, I love how Matthew Henry underscores what we are missing when we don't practice good question asking:

"Some are very able and fit to give counsel...but they are modest, and reserved, and not communicative; they have a great deal in them, but it is loth to come out. In such a case a man of understanding will draw it out, as wine out of a vessel. We lose the benefit we might have by the conversation of wise men for want of the art of being inquisitive."

- Matthew Henry's Commentary

Not only can you learn from others if you take the time to ask good questions, but it makes the other person feel valued, too. And there's a benefit to the soul of being able to share things from your heart to someone trustworthy who wants nothing more than to understand you better and learn from you.

The word "draw" is the word that stuck out to me most in this passage, and I'm still trying to unpack it. There's a tugging, a gentle pulling that brings out the heart of a person -- and it begins with good questions. But how do you ask good questions? I think it starts with observing and listening. Pay attention to what's important to someone and ask them about that. Notice when someone doesn't seem quite his or herself, and inquire. Ask the "whys" and the "hows" -- not just the "whats". Ask specifics and not just generalities. When you draw out the whole person, you get to see a glimpse of who they really are -- who God created them to be. You are able to know and be known. And it is beautiful.

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For my 31st birthday, I decided to write down 31 of my favorite proverbs, or wise sayings from the Bible that I had been studying.  This year, I am hoping to take a deeper dive into each of them and share some thoughts on them with you here.

**This post is a part of the first annual RA Blog Week, spurred on by RADiabetes. For more information and the full list of prompts, click here.

RA Blog Week Day 6 Prompt: "tell us your stories about your diagnosis, what were you thinking, feeling or when did you first know something was wrong?"

Oh, college days of yore...

It was a sunny spring day in 2004.  I was 19 years old, and a happy, healthy college student at Cedarville University in Ohio.  Or so I thought.  It was almost the end of the semester when I noticed that a finger on my left hand was sore -- almost as though I had somehow jammed it.  I didn’t recall doing anything to it, but who knows--I was fairly active.  I ignored this symptom for a while, until I realized that it had been a few weeks and it had still not gone away or gotten any better.  My mom prompted me to make an appointment to see my doctor and find out what she recommended.  Nothing much was accomplished at my first doctor visit.  She simply referred me to a hand specialist.  By this point, I believe college was done for the semester, and I had moved back to Michigan.  I spent the summer living with my dad and babysitting my cousins, while taking courses at the local community college and preparing for a more permanent move to West Michigan.  At some point early in the summer I had my appointment with the hand specialist.  Based on my symptoms, he believed that I had tendinitis.  He prescribed some Naproxen, told me to take it for a few weeks, then he’d see me back.  

I just finally gave away my 14lb bowling ball from high school. I can't bowl at all now, let alone with that thing!

There was a sermon I heard at church recently about unmet expectations. Sometimes (okay, more like always!) we expect one thing out of life and before we know it, we find ourselves in a place that we never expected, and more importantly, never wanted. Living well is about how you react when your expectations are not met, when you feel let down and when you find yourself in unwelcome circumstances. Will you wallow in self-pity, be consumed by bitterness or rage, or will you take hold of whatever may come as an opportunity? An opportunity, that is, to love others, to honor God, to be stretched and to grow?  

The pastor used the analogy, "bloom where you're planted."  It made me think of all of my "volunteer" plants that somehow end up in my garden, scattered by wind or animal. These are plants that often end up in a place that is not exactly ideal for optimum growth, but do you know what they do? They make the best of the resources available to them, and grow into beautiful flowers or vegetables that add life to my garden and bring joy to me -- even though they may not be the largest blooms or the hardiest plants.

A while back I posted about trying to memorize the book of James from the Bible.  I’m still chugging along, with several others, but I must say that getting through chapter 2 was much more difficult than chapter 1, for whatever reason.  You can view my post of James 1 in Photos here.  As we closed out chapter 2, I wanted to take some time to focus on the second section of the chapter which is centered on the role of faith and deeds in the life of a Christian.  

James starts off with a few challenging questions:
"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?" --James 2:14

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:8-10

In James’ letter, he writes to a different group of Christians who needed a reminder that genuine faith is proved by its action – the two must go hand in hand.  Here’s what Matthew Henry says in his Bible commentary about this section of James:

“James had to do with those who cried up faith, but would not allow works to be used even as evidence; they depended upon a bare profession, as sufficient to justify them; and with these he might well urge the necessity and vast importance of good works. As we must not break one table of the law, by dashing it against the other, so neither must we break in pieces the law and the gospel, by making them clash with one another: those who cry up the gospel so as to set aside the law, and those who cry up the law so as to set aside the gospel, are both in the wrong; for we must take our work before us; there must be both faith in Jesus Christ and good works the fruit of faith.”

For whatever reason, many of us tend to operate toward one end of the faith-deeds spectrum – emphasizing one over the other rather than living them both out to their true meaning.  C.S. Lewis discusses the two extremes in his book Mere Christianity:

There are two parodies of the truth which different sets of Christians have, in the past, been accused by other Christians of believing: perhaps they may make the truth clearer. One set were accused of saying, "Good actions are all that matters. The best good action is charity. The best kind of charity is giving money. The best thing to give money to is the Church. So hand us over ₤10,000 and we will see you through." The answer to that nonsense, of course, would be that good actions done for that motive, done with the idea that Heaven can be bought, would not be good actions at all, but only commercial speculations. The other set were accused of saying, "Faith is all that matters. Consequently, if you have faith, it doesn't matter what you do. Sin away, my lad, and have a good time and Christ will see that it makes no difference in the end." The answers to that nonsense is that, if what you call your "faith" in Christ does not involve taking the slightest notice of what he says, then it is not Faith at all — not faith or trust in Him, but only intellectual acceptance of some theory of Him.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer also has a section of his book The Cost of Discipleship that talks similarly about the relationship between belief [faith] and obedience [deeds], which I found to be powerful in its frankness: 

“The truth is that so long as we hold both sides of the proposition together they contain nothing inconsistent with right belief, but as soon as one is divorced from the other, it is bound to prove a stumbling block. "Only those who believe obey"…and "only those who obey believe"…If the first half of the proposition stands alone, the believer is exposed to the danger of cheap grace, which is another word for damnation. If the second half stands alone, the believer is exposed to the danger of salvation through works, which is also another word for damnation.”

When we try to become “righteous” by doing good things, we end up putting our faith in our own efforts rather than in God. 

On the other hand, any time we try to live a life of faith that does not bear “fruit” or does not involve being obedient to God’s word, our faith is proved disingenuous.  

James says it this way:
“But someone will say, ‘You have faith; I have deeds.’ Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.” –James 2:18-19

Whoa. Did you catch that? Simply believing in God only gets you on the same level as demons. A genuine FAITH involves something more.  Of course the demons know that God exists; what they are lacking is obedience to God.

James writes about the example of Abraham – the “father of faith” – whose willingness to obey God without question was evidence of his faith. “You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did (James 2:22)."  The answer to James’ original question – “can such a faith save them?” is “no” – because what they claim as “faith” is not truly faith.  

So where does all of this intersect with my life?  I think I tend to oscillate between both ends of the faith-deeds spectrum: some days putting my faith in my own ability, and other days resting in a very apathetic “faith”.  Lately, however, I feel God trying to nudge me toward stronger obedience to His word.  I keep trying to put my own priorities first, instead of letting God direct my steps.  God has also made me more aware of the need to “bear fruit” (See also: The Fruit of the Spirit series) and live out the faith I claim to have.  Which brings me to the question: what does faith look like?  It looks like being loving and kind to others; it looks like being patient in times of trial; it looks like joy in the midst of adversity and peace when your life is in turmoil; it looks like goodness and gentleness in word and deed. In short: faith looks like obedience.

At the end of the chapter, James draws this conclusion: “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead (James 2:26).”  My desire and my aim is to have a faith that is alive and growing!


And...for your viewing and listening pleasure: 

This post is part of a blog carnival, prompted by RAWarrior.com -- with the subject of the carnival being, "how do you keep the disease from taking over?" Click here to read all of the entries!

We all need to have an armory, well stocked with things that help us fight this disease -- including things that protect against RA taking over our lives and getting the best of us. Yes, silliness is in my arsenal.

We know that rheumatoid arthritis attacks each person differently, and the severity and impacts of the disease can vary widely between patients.  I feel very fortunate that while my disease is moderately aggressive, it has so far been very treatable and has responded well to the treatments I've tried.  As a result, most of the time, RA hasn't severely impacted my day to day living.  On the other hand, even with well-controlled RA, there are flare ups and periods of time with more active disease, there is joint damage that has occurred, and there are days that the disease threatens to steal away part of my life and part of my joy.

As I type this, I am home sick, lying in bed.  I've never dealt well with being sick (I'm the kid who would pout and cry whenever my mom made me stay home sick from school), and I finally realized why: admitting I'm sick and deciding to stay in bed makes me feel like I've lost a battle, I've been defeated, the sickness has won.  I know that's silly, and it's important to rest when your body needs it, but it remains an internal struggle.  Imagine the struggle I faced when I was diagnosed at age 19 with rheumatoid arthritis: every day it felt like I had lost a battle.  Coming to terms with living with a chronic illness was a long process.  At first, I was devastated.  Over the years, I've learned to accept things for what they are, but when the days of despair creep up (as they always do from time to time), I've found a few things I can do to help keep my spirits up and keep the disease from taking over and getting the best of me.  I've already discussed my thoughts on "managing my rheumatoid disease" -- there are obvious things we can do to be proactive about getting proper care and treatment and to take good care of ourselves -- but when the disease threatens to take over anyways, here are some things I've found to help.


Focus on Faith
I've said it before and I'll say it again: my faith in God is what keeps me going each and every day.  Learning how to rely on God's strength instead of my own and focusing on His faithfulness helps me to get through the tough days.  Knowing that God can work good things even out of the bad helps me to keep a a proper perspective.  If I focus my attention on my disease and dwell on my symptoms, on pain, on the unknowns of my future -- it quickly leads to a downward spiral.  But, when I focus my attention on God, and his love and promises, it fills me with hope and leaves no room for worry, fear or despair.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." -- Hebrews 12:1-3


Do What You Can and Accept Help
Another thing that helps me to keep RA from getting the best of me, is continuing to do what I can.  This will look different for each person affected by the disease, and obviously you need to be careful not to overuse flaring joints -- but focusing on what I CAN do instead of what I CAN'T do can help me to feel better.  I can't do push-ups anymore or anything that requires more than a 30-degree bend in my wrist, but I still CAN do most of my yoga DVD -- and I CAN modify things so that they work for me.  

I call this one of my "Conquering RA" pictures -- backpacking on Isle Royale was a life dream that I was able to realize despite RA!

I've learned that some of my activities have limits, but have also learned to adapt and to ask for help when I need it.  And to rest when needed, as it will help me feel better in the long run (okay - so, maybe I'm still learning how to do this one!).  I finally learned to take a prednisone burst if I know I'm going to be doing an intensive activity -- like backpacking -- and when I'm feeling well enough to do those activities, I need to take advantage and DO them!  Cooking in the kitchen has become a greater challenge with my bad wrists, but I've been known to knead bread dough with my forearms if it comes to it, and have learned to ask my husband for help with lids and heavy things, rather than hurting myself trying it on my own.  In the end, I feel a greater sense of accomplishment and less frustration when I simply ask for help with the parts that I know I won't be able to do -- then I can focus my efforts on the parts I can do and can actually enjoy the process.


Delight in Life's Simple Joys
Finally, one of the best things I can do is to take delight in the simple things in life that bring me joy and happiness.  A chronic disease can steal a lot of things from you, but you don't have to let it get the best of you.  Spending time with loved ones and taking the time to enjoy the things you love can make a world of difference.

"I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad"

These are a few of my favorite things...

Playing games -- cards or board games -- with family and friends

Watching things grow in my garden

A bouquet of fresh cut flowers

Simply spending time in good conversation with loved ones